A close friend tells me that my Blog Titles couldn't get any lamer. I've never tried to be lame with them :$ hahaha but I guess this one will qualify as being lame.

But in all reality this isn't going to be a happy or hopefully lame blog.

Something has clicked in me. Something I have really hope wouldn't click.
I blogged about it earlier, and it's finally happened. I was sitting in front of a computer today.
And nothing....

There was nothing there apart from just uncomfortableness. I couldn't think, couldn't get motivated, just felt dead. Completely dead. I'm sitting here writing this and just feel dead, if it wasn't for talking/keeping in touch with people, I don't think I'd use my computer anymore.

I'm burnt out. I was hoping after getting back from Canada I would take some time off, and would feel better, but just feeling dead. A really close friend of mine has told me that I've just been really upset since being back. and well for me, that hurts, like I'm not at all upset at this friend, I’m glad she was that honest and just upset that someone had thought that of me.

So I guess I just really have to take some time, more time...

And just wondering, anyone out there just felt that burnt out? That dead?

What did you do? What kind of things? Like apart from prayer etc...

¶ 8:07 AM //  

Okay, little too a lot of people’s knowledge I'm thinking about getting motorbike
And after my last experience, see above, I think I'm ready for it.

This would be a cue for a lot of people (especially my female friends) telling me it's a death trap. I know!. That’s why I'm not going to be rushing into the
Freeways. Hoping to spend some time with friends of mine playing around with their spare bikes to see if it's the thing for me.

So again another thing I'm going to try and see if it sticks, hoping not to put too much money into just yet, unless its really for me, but until then.. :)

Keep a look out for motorcyclists... one maybe me

¶ 1:54 AM //  

So I'm officially hooked and bummed at the same time..

Over the last week of so, I have been indulging in some alone time in front of the TV.I'm not much of a TV freak (As I used to be) and this only seems to happen when I get as already mentioned, hooked on something.

The TV show in question: Firefly

If you don't know anything about it, it's a Sci-fi/Western Drama by the Creator of Buffy (Joss Whedon) That was cancelled; half way through a season but the fan base was so strong, that they got a full length movie commissioned. Which if you don't know is a kickin' film out at the moment called SERENITY

Seriously if your looking for an awesome night out, go see it..

But as usual that’s not the point I’m trying to make in this blog. The main character in this show/movie is the Captain of Serenity, Mal Reynolds. Think Han Solo with balls and angst. And he's easily become one of my favourite characters ever because of one thing.

Because he's so not the norm. His decisions seem to contradict what you would normally see on a TV show. He flies by the seat of his pants (my kinda guy) and is really quick to shoot.

And too me, it feels really honest. A lot of TV shows now days, give characters that are either politically correct, or push the boundaries just for the sake of it. While this show's writing really set up a show that feels real.

So I guess I'm saying is that, I think I've finally hit that point where the TV will only be used for Movies and News, man that makes me old doesn't it? AAAARGH

Well unless I find another decent TV show (suggestions), or if Greg gets the next episode of the OC :P

And to finish off with a quote from a famous TV shot, we all should go and see "SERENITY NOW!!!!"

(Anyone have idea which show?? what about which movie the title comes from??)

¶ 5:04 AM //  

I've been mulling over a few things of late, and really need to be honest and get some stuff off my chest. So hope nothing below makes me sound arrogant or full or myself as thats the last thing I want to do, I just need to lay a few of my hurts/faults out..


- Ever heard of an Emotional Fornicator?
- What about Emotional Attachment Syndrome?
I, Matthew Atkins, really need to get some stuff off my chest. Have been dealing with a few things, am guilty of being the first and am pretty sure I have the second.

What are they? Well.....

Emotional Fornication is a term made by at least 2 of my friends and will probably correct me if I get it exactly wrong. See Males have a habit of 'physical' fornication, be it from Lustful thoughts about women, to pornography, masturbation, etc. Once they have a bit, it can become an addiction to them and it takes over them. It's also one thing that draws males to the real skanky girls...

'Emotional' Fornication is kinda like the female version. Males are very perceptual, and hence all the conversations that males just concentrate on the looks. Females though get caught up with compliments, laughing, and well emotions. And well I've been brought up with fairly decent manners (thanx Mum), the love to listen (again props to my mum), a caring attitude (thanx God) and well a decent amount of ability to interact with Females. This is in some ways a recipe for disaster.

See I have had this philosophy that because guys suck at making girls feel of worth, I should show them that not all guys are jerks. So for one thing I'm a big complimenter, not one of those fake guys who do it left right and centre, I believe that if a girl has but an effort in to look nice, and u think they do, there is no reason why you shouldn't tell them, and I'm always willing to listen to girls. I believe to many guys come across as self-centred fools.

But well the problem with this, is that they get the wrong idea about me, and can get attached. And me being a nice guy, I'm sometimes at fault for leading them on, when I should of told them that I'm not interested, but I hate hurting girls (feels like I've hurt a lot in the past, and yes I know that’s another problem I have) Anyways, I hope that makes the term easier to understand, and those who know me, could see it in me.. (Which may not be a good thing, but at least is an honest thing)

Emotional Attachment Syndrome. Many a jokes have been made about how feminine I can be. Not in the sense of being less manly but more so that my emotions do have a ruling on a lot of my thoughts/decisions. I bring this up to set up a bit of idea about me. Officially I have only gone out with 3 girls in my life. Yes for all the people who'll bring it up, 2 were sisters but that is another blog. On top of that there have been a handful of girls where it got close, but for my whole 26 years, there really hasn't been a whole lot.

This reason is that I'm trying to make sure each one is really right, but at the same time, because I focus a lot on finding the 'right' one, when I find one that could be, I fall WAY to hard. And this is where the emotional attachment comes in. I can get very attached to someone, and they may even have no idea about it. Then it starts taking over my thoughts, and gets control of me, which is completely utterly wrong.

Okay so I am getting to a point.
Both of things are problems, that I'm pretty sure a lot of guys (and to some extent girls) have dealt with, and I guess to have both doesn't help. So I'm putting things into place, to help me deal with them etc.So as well as keeping it a prayer point and working it through with God (because no changes in life can be done without him), I am taking myself off the Market, (not that I was ever there, but one friend did label me as 'Fresh Meat' since I have been back). As a few people know, I've said no dating or anything till the New Year (hopefully longer). Well I would love to have my friends keep me accountable of that *cough cough*, and that if there was a chance someone was wondering, I say sorry, not looking.
This also means I MAY in the future be turning down coffee or movies out with females.

And well as a bit of a disclaimer... If anyone reads this and takes it personally, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to be the most HONEST and INTEGRAL person I can be, and want to fix this part of me.

And seriously feel free to voice your anger/opinion as a comment. This is just me highlighting what I, that’s right I, know as MY Faults, and ones that I'm TRYING to fix, and ones that I do need to be ACCOUNTABLE of.

¶ 8:18 AM //  

A running joke I've had between friends over the last year or so, was a list of things NOT to say to a female. As conversation between some of the guys (both male and female) we have identified a few. The qualifications are that your not allowed to swear or anything to that idea, kinda things that could be said and not realised that it would be taken as offensive.

One I have found, of course by my own fault, is that girls (and to lesser extent guys) hate it when you say that you 'know' them, or even worse that you say that they are predictable.

I have had many harsh words directed at me, after I have told someone that they're predictable.

Okay I do believe it's very full of myself when I have done it because I guess I've said it in a very condescending voice, and for those who are reading, I am very sorry and I never meant it like that.

I think we as humans have this insane want to know who we are, but on the other hand we are very protective of letting others know who we are. We hate being vulnerable and the vulnerability of being known by someone else, like inside and out, puts us in a place we don't want to be. And hence we lash out or get upset about.

I also seem to find that when I'm thinking something I don't want people to know, they in turn do, and when I'm kinda screaming out for someone to read me, they have no idea at all, and miss it completely.

So I guess this is just a whole lot of random thoughts I needed to get out, and might be of interest.

Feel free to comment, would love someone else’s insights.

¶ 7:42 AM //